Excellent Joe

YELLOW

Globetrotter Suitcase at J.Crew $1750.00
Cole Haan LunarGrand Wingtips $248.00
Orlebar Brown Geo Print Swim  $240.00
Aubin & Wills French Terry Crew Neck Sweatshirt  $100.00
Limoncello Chinos at Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $88.00
Levi’s Vintage Clothing 1960′s Stripe Tee at Steven Alan $95.00

The Hunger Games has been showing for at least three weeks, and I haven’t seen it yet. I never even knew the book existed until about a month ago. Still, I feel confident in writing a quick review based on the snippets of information that have stuck to me during my daily drudging through the cesspool of pop culture chaos that now covers the planet. Here goes:
Beautiful teenagers live in a dangerous forest and have their dirt and sweat applied professionally every morning. It’s a time-consuming process that forces these kids to have to do a lot of “sitting around the set.” In order to survive, they have to kill other beautiful teens. The main character often looks moist and is a good role model for young women because she fights violence with violence, but maybe she doesn’t (I don’t know-I haven’t seen it yet). Woody Harrelson is there– maybe an evil principal? They get hungry sometimes. Three stars.

TRENDS

Steve Jobs: Stay Hungry Homage Graphic Tee $28.00
Small-Scale Plaids: Oliver Short by Steven Alan $178.00
Canvas Sneakers: Vans “Authentic” at Need Supply $45.00
Spring Weight Poplin: Atwell Poplin Flight Jacket at Unionmade $425.00

I couldn’t explain why I was in the hardware store buying a dust pan when the three that I already owned weren’t broken or missing any parts. On second thought, I didn’t even remember how I got there. I felt strange, like someone or something was watching me, controlling me even. Distracted and disoriented, I turned to leave and heard, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”
And there they were: three freckle-faced ragamuffins smiling from behind an enchanted cauldron that now looked like a fold-out table stacked with boxes of cookies. I couldn’t move. They kept smiling. ”I’ll take two boxes of each kind– now release me!”
And like that I was free… until the next day when I found myself in the supermarket buying a bag of frozen lima beans, and I don’t even like their gritty texture.

TRENDS:

Selvedge Denim: Tellason Ankara Straight Leg at Unionmade $198.00
Organic Cotton Tees: Jungmaven at Unionmade $29.00
Re-Issue Sneakers: Nike Air Tailwind QS at Steven Alan $85.00
Waxed Canvas Bags: Jack Spade Slim Brief $325.00

Hurricanes blow… and suck. Our future lies in the hands of Anderson Cooper who will surely tie himself to a hotel rooftop and brave the storm for the mortal masses. Surprisingly,  however, the 360 degree live coverage of screaming in the wind and rain will have many lulls. Digitally animated worst-case scenarios of German tourists canoeing down Broadway will definitely spike the attention-o-meter, but we’ll need more to keep us tuned in, and that red CNN rain slicker ain’t going to cut it. Anderson needs to wear something that is less staged-media-monster and more on-his-way-to-the-Hamptons-and-now-this. Something that will get the tweeting world a-tingling.  Wet suede sneakers. Mysterious green jacket. Foreign languages on t-shirt. What’s it all mean? Something about hurricane safety, right?

TRENDS:

Long Sleeve Polos: Steven Alan Cropped Collar Polo $98.00
Harrington-inspired Shells: The Tiburon Jacket at Unionmade $180.00
Global Conscious Graphic Tees: Apolis Defend Tomorrow T-Shirt $58.00
Slim Fit Trousers: J.Crew Stanton Chino in 484 Slim Fit $75.00
Suede Shoes & Sneakers: Nike for J.Crew Vintage Collection Suede Tennies $90.00

We don’t follow Harry Potter- it’s a children’s fantasy series for God’s sake! How could a story about young witches and wizards attending a boarding school hold our attention for more than ten minutes let alone ten years? We don’t follow it.

But if we did, we might delay our trip to the beach to see the final saga at the theater… and work on our miniature Harry Potter village in the basement… and search for authentic magic wands on Etsy… and add glitter to our Hermione collage over the couch. If we eventually made it to the coast, we’d wear bold stripes to remind us of Hogwarts. Long live Hogwarts!

Can’t let go. Give it time.

TRENDS:

Vintage Check Shirts:  Steven Alan Single Needle $168.00
White Shorts:  Sid Mashburn Sanded Canvas $125.00
Bold Stripes: Katin+Apolis Swim Trunk at Need Supply $128.00
Braided Uppers: Bonobos Braided Upper Flip Flop $55.00

Bananas! They build a strong case for sitting back and letting the world find a place for you.

• Gwen Stefani uses them to exert her lyrical prowess.
• Clowns maintain their trite, irrelevant brand of humor by repeatedly slipping on them.
• Feminists hold demonstrations in protest of their symbolism.
• Mary Ann has her way with Gilligan by baking them into cream pies.
• Americans use them to describe the hammocks that hold the genitalia of hairy European men slathered in sunblock.

The list goes on. Never before has a common fruit tapped into our collective psyche and turned it on its head.  Now you can work them into your own personal history by having them magically appear in your groin area whenever they get wet.  Now that sh*t is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

TRENDS

Subtle Vintage Plaids: BONOBOS 7″ Cotton Tan and Navy Plaid Short $75.00
Neon Pops: Steven Alan Neon Yellow Reverse Seam Inside Pocket $168.00
Canvas Slip-Ons: Seavees Contrast Linen & Nubuck at James Perse $165.00
Grey Heather Tees: Apolis Standard Issue Vintage Crew Neck T-Shirt $58.00
Disappearing Banana Tricks: BONOBOS Magic Print Grey Bananas Board Short $75.00

Say the world DOES end tomorrow. You know God will have an AWESOME pool, so let’s think this through. Billions of people since the beginning of time will be clamoring for a dozen or so prime cabana spots; it’s going to be absolute Hell. Everyone will be on an all-time holier-than-thou high, and you will be competing with Nobel Peace Prize winners, Osama killers, and one sassy, demon-free Lindsay Lohan. Don’t get discouraged! You’re the underdog, and God historically LOVES underdogs (i.e. His Son).

Here’s what you do:

1) When the pearly gates open, make a mad dash for the pool area while everyone else is busy kissing God’s ass (He sees right through that stuff anyway). 2) Wear something that screams country club, like it’s your God-given right to be there. 3) Slip the pool angel a Benjamin and watch the best cabanas miraculously become available. 4) Order the mandatory two bottles of Cristal, settle into your chaise, and admire your newly perfect body. 5) Have the front desk bring you all the pets you’ve ever owned… and a cheeseburger. Aah, Heaven.

TRENDS

Contrast Placket Polos: BONOBOS 100% Pima Cotton Interlock Helmsman Polo $65.00

Roll Cuff Shorts: Steven Alan for Dockers $89.00 ON SALE

Shorter Length Swim: BONOBOS Shortboards Khaki Swim Trunk $65.00

Canvas Sneakers: Nike Sweet Legacy $65.00

Duffle Bags: Jack Spade Rocket Duffle at BONOBOS $325

After disappearing for months, the Sun shows up on your doorstep all smiley and bubbly as if nothing ever happened. Classic. Aside from refreshing your favorite weather forecasting sites three to four hundred times a day for the last five months, you’ve moved on. Your friends have finally convinced you that the Sun is just a selfish ball of noxious gases that is careless with your feelings. You’re not even going to answer the door this time… well, maybe, but just to see if It is going to apologize. Before long, you’re smiling again, sharing your first ice coffee of the season again, and laughing over lunch on your favorite patio again. By the end of the day, you are the definition of warm and fuzzy. It doesn’t hit you until you get home and run to the mirror. Burned again.

TRENDS:

Pullover Hoodies: James Perse MEN RAGLAN HOODIE in White $165.00

Bermuda Shorts: Save Khaki Marine Bermuda Shorts at Stylebop $155.00

Hybrid Sneaker Shoes: Nike Sportswear x Steven Alan Talache $115.00

Striped Tees: Sunspel Striped Pocket Tee at Unionmade $112.00

Here’s a foolproof look for even the most upscale of beach destinations.  Half high-end tourist and half island local, it mixes utilitarian textures like coarse canvas and waxed twill with more luxurious materials like faux-tortoise shell and dark leather. The main attraction is the fatigue-style drawstring swimsuit with raw edge hem. French lessons sold separately.

TRENDS:

Military Details in Swim: Relwen Fatigue Surf Short at Steven Alan $138.00

Vintage Frame Sunglasses: Moscot Hyman Tortoise $285.00

Heritage Backpacks: Ernest Alexander Grey Waxed Twill Rucksack at Bonobos $495.00

Canvas Slip-ons: Vans Bali Kicks $40.00

Small business guide books do not warn you about the hazards of setting up shop in a coffee house, the preferred office space for dreamers. Half your energy is spent harnessing your caffeine-induced ADD. “Do those crying infants really know they’re on a play date?” “Shouldn’t those college students be drunk instead of reciting passages from the Bible?” “Is the floor grout black or just plain disgusting?” After a long day of playing cerebral ping pong, you come home in a frazzled caffeine haze and reek of stale signature blends. You feign disgust in front of your significant other(s), but secretly you feel like a smoker getting a unexpected waft of second-hand smoke. You’re following your passion, damn-it, and it’s only been six years since that glorious idea popped into your head! Why the worried faces? Maybe it’s because you dress way better than them. Yeah, that’s it.

TRENDS:

Hybrid Sneaker Shoes: Camper Romeo $115.00

In case you haven’t noticed, there is quite a large trend happening in men’s footwear.  It’s like a dressy sneaker and devoid of any athletic brand marketing. Casual Friday on top, lazy Sunday on the bottom. A Camper brand rep likens walking in these particular hybrids to “floating on mini marshmallows.” How sweet is that?

Soft Check Shirts: Billy Reid Tuscumbia Pink and Lavender Gingham $185.00

We’re pushing subtle pattern this season–how passive aggressive of us! It’s a great way to wear color you’d normally shun. Enter pink and lavender gingham.  From a distance, this pattern reads as a solid blue. Then it’s, “Surprise! I’m not as predictable as you think I am… so eat it.”

Rain Trenches: Mackintosh Coat at Jack Spade $995.00

The impending rainy season makes us beg an important question: How are you going to stay dry during your daily coffee house crawls to find the best internet connection? We suggest the classic Mackintosh/Jack Spade rain trench in a most beautifully drab olive. Once inside, you can remove it to reveal the unexpected pop of spring pink and lavender in your shirt pattern. How’s that for foreshadowing?

Utility/Military Pants: Steven Alan for Dockers Army Pant $148.00

Military details are still going strong, but they’re more subtle than the overexposed and tired cargo pockets everyone imagines. With war all around us, we definitely don’t want to make light of the situation by dressing up like poser soldiers.  Instead, back flap pockets and front patch pockets will rev up your lower half without offending an army.

Chances are you will be attending a few gatherings this month that are vaguely connected to the birth of Baby Jesus. Come Judgement Day, would you feel comfortable telling the world that you could get by in… khakis? Good luck. On the contrary, we’ve prepared quite the holiday party look that was designed for full-throttle yuletide cheer.  It will take you from monopolizing the punch bowl to swinging from the rafters to passing out on the coat bed to treating the graciously understanding host to brunch the next day.  Amen.

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