Excellent Joe

What do you wear to a royal wedding to which you were not invited?  Great question. Since you will be attending via your couch and television, shorts and a tee-shirt are required, and eating cookies during the ceremony is customary… as is beer. You’ll probably only need about ten minutes on any channel to learn all you need to know about this glorious day of pomp and circumstance. Unfortunately, what you might like to see will not be televised.  No Prince William crapping his royal pants the night before. No royal bridezilla bitching about the horrendous lighting in Westminster Abbey. No close-ups of guests spitting the royal chicken cordon bleu into their napkins. No royal shots of Jagermeister. No royal dirty dancing with relatives. On second thought, just stay home.

TRENDS

Hybrid Sneaker Shoes: Tretorn Smogensson Suede Ebony at Bonobos $85.00

Hiking Shorts: Burkman Brothers One-Patch Pocket at Odin $175.00

Vintage Surf Graphics: Homage Surf Lake Erie $28.00

Cookies: Handmade by Downtown Cookie Co. (price varies)

Oh what to wear this weekend! Do we celebrate the recurring tradition of lying to children about strange creatures who leave treats under the cover of darkness? Do we honor our parents for making us participate in their warped little fertility ritual of finding brightly colored eggs they’ve hidden around the yard and house? Do we go full-on secular by paying homage to the most miserably wet region of the country with hopes that the rain gods will have mercy on us? Let’s try all of the above: think halfway out of your church clothes, mouthful of candy and staring at that one perfectly aqua-blue egg you made among the pile of overly ambitious color-mixing attempts that all went to various levels of brown and gray. NOTE: For all readers whose parents deprived them of such childhood deceptions, thanks for listening.

TRENDS

Bright Chinos: BONOBOS Aqua Bootcut Washed Chinos $88.00

Nylon Shells: Spiewak Navy Cypress Jacket at Bonobos $119.00

Bucks: Common Projects Suede Shoe at Odin $445.00

Vintage Sports Tees: Homage Script Ohio $28.00

“I was born this way!” For the record, Pony claims to know two other tricks but feels that exploiting more than one might tarnish his reputation as an expert in his field. “I don’t want to confuse my fan base. I’m a creature of habit, and I’m fine with that. Most of my friends are all over the map; I like to keep things simple. With me, people know what they’re getting.” When he’s not performing his trick, Pony enjoys watching Real Housewives of New York City and playing Angry Birds.

TRENDS

White Oxfords: Bonobos All-Rounder Spring Weight Oxford $88.00

Tote Bags: Jack Spade Cargo Carry-On at Bonobos $450.00

Bluchers: Yuketen Blucher with Kiltie at Need Supply $287.00

Hiking Shorts: Woolrich Woolen Mills Chambray Bush Short at Odin $175.00

When people aren’t ogling over your soon-to-be washboard abs, they’ll be oohing and aahing at your furry friend below the waist. So if you’re apprehensive about the world shifting focus to your nether region, you’ve got a couple months to grow some you-know-whats and enjoy the attention. As for the dude tank? The rule here is simple: if you’ve got the guns, you’ve got the greenlight to wear one, but never ever with long pants or a farmer’s tan.

TRENDS:

Placed Prints on Swim: Orlebar Brown Labradors at Bonobos $285

Striped Tanks: Burkman Brothers Slub Jersey Tank at Odin NY $79.00

Mesh Shoes: Generic Surplus Mesh Slip On $60.00

Hybrid Shirt Jackets: Penfield Campbell Chambray Hoodie Shirt $115.00