Excellent Joe

I couldn’t pinpoint the source of my extreme jubilation this morning.  How could I be this happy after thirty seconds of consciousness? Had something happened during the night that left me in this condition? My all-time favorite and recurring dream of having sex with Madonna (Lucky Star Version) behind a dumpster in back of a 7-Eleven hadn’t resurfaced in over a decade, so that was out. And I definitely wasn’t touched by an angel; that would’ve freakeded me out more than anything else. (Plus, someone who dreams of having sex with Madonna in seedy places probably doesn’t get touched by many angels). For all intents and purposes, it seemed like I was happy for no particular reason.  Still, I pressed on for a logical explanation and found it when I googled my horoscope. Apparently, my New Moon was falling in my Seventh House.  Mystery solved!

TRENDS:

Non-Cargo Military Shorts: Shades Of Grey By Micah Cohen Green Field Shorts $120.00

Novelty Polos: Orlebar Brown Towelling Cotton Polo at Bonobos $145.00 10% Off and Free Shipping Both Ways from Bonobos.com! Use Promotional Code: BetterFit10

80′s Brights: Splendid Mills Jersey Crew at Bonobos $48.00  10% Off and Free Shipping Both Ways from Bonobos.com! Use Promotional Code: BetterFit10

Canvas Sneakers: Converse By John Varvatos Cobblestone Jack Purcell Sneakers $125.00

The Hunger Games has been showing for at least three weeks, and I haven’t seen it yet. I never even knew the book existed until about a month ago. Still, I feel confident in writing a quick review based on the snippets of information that have stuck to me during my daily drudging through the cesspool of pop culture chaos that now covers the planet. Here goes:
Beautiful teenagers live in a dangerous forest and have their dirt and sweat applied professionally every morning. It’s a time-consuming process that forces these kids to have to do a lot of “sitting around the set.” In order to survive, they have to kill other beautiful teens. The main character often looks moist and is a good role model for young women because she fights violence with violence, but maybe she doesn’t (I don’t know-I haven’t seen it yet). Woody Harrelson is there– maybe an evil principal? They get hungry sometimes. Three stars.

TRENDS

Steve Jobs: Stay Hungry Homage Graphic Tee $28.00
Small-Scale Plaids: Oliver Short by Steven Alan $178.00
Canvas Sneakers: Vans “Authentic” at Need Supply $45.00
Spring Weight Poplin: Atwell Poplin Flight Jacket at Unionmade $425.00

As much as I enjoy being outside this time of year, the rebirth of spring always makes me turn inward and reflect on my humble existence… as a person… on a planet… in an endless universe. I ponder the concept of infinity which always makes me shudder in the split second that I come close to understanding it. I think of the circle of life and the spawn of Snookie. I hum a few bars of the Lion King before I beat myself up for allowing my brain to become a safe haven for all the anti-knowledge, pop culture junk this universe has to offer. How did my thoughts become so impure and unnatural? Where did I go wrong?
I can’t wholly blame myself. The course of our culture has changed in ways we could’ve never imagined. Technology has played a dirty trick on us. It gave us all this free time by finding quicker, more efficient ways to do things. Now, it seems to have lost its focus in its quest to find ways to give us every detail on any topic at any given moment no matter how newsworthy the information may be. In effect, it’s wasting the time it originally freed up for us. If someone were to have pulled me aside 30 years ago to tell me that my dreams of robot dogs and hover cars would be replaced with endless conversations about fracking and Etch-a-Sketch politics, I think I would have just let my brother smother me the next time he tried to trap me in my sleeping bag.  So for now, I’ve had enough of the future for a while.  I think it’s time stop and smell the flowers… or maybe just tweet about smelling them in a figurative way.

TRENDS:

Suede Saddle Shoes: Alden for J.Crew Limited Edition Two-Tone $565.00
Short Sleeve Madras: Beams Plus Madras Shirt at Mr. Porter $175.00
Vintage Wash Denim: Wallace & Barnes Slim Fit at J.Crew $298.00
Casual Leather Briefcase: Billykirk Schoolboy Satchel at J.Crew $365.00

I couldn’t explain why I was in the hardware store buying a dust pan when the three that I already owned weren’t broken or missing any parts. On second thought, I didn’t even remember how I got there. I felt strange, like someone or something was watching me, controlling me even. Distracted and disoriented, I turned to leave and heard, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”
And there they were: three freckle-faced ragamuffins smiling from behind an enchanted cauldron that now looked like a fold-out table stacked with boxes of cookies. I couldn’t move. They kept smiling. ”I’ll take two boxes of each kind– now release me!”
And like that I was free… until the next day when I found myself in the supermarket buying a bag of frozen lima beans, and I don’t even like their gritty texture.

TRENDS:

Selvedge Denim: Tellason Ankara Straight Leg at Unionmade $198.00
Organic Cotton Tees: Jungmaven at Unionmade $29.00
Re-Issue Sneakers: Nike Air Tailwind QS at Steven Alan $85.00
Waxed Canvas Bags: Jack Spade Slim Brief $325.00

Home for the holidays. Thirty-Relatives-In-One-House Day.  Cousin Liddy-Beans (it’s always the one with the WTF nickname) has sequestered you in the corner of the dining room so that she can finish telling you about her tricky driveway: hence, the arm sling and the incessant request for a ride home. She’s slurring on 25 minutes now, and you’re getting more anxious with every joyous outburst of laughter coming from the other side of the house. The only escape would be to excuse yourself due to hunger and grab something on the sweets table which would bring you closer to the rest of the family. Of course, she’ll still follow, so you’ll have to make the plan believable by eating a few frosted sled-like shapes… and some fudgey round things… and some coconut-ish clusters… and some powdered sugar balls… wait a minute… you’re feeling a little hazy now… and awful warm and cozy … and cousin Liddy-Beans’ voice doesn’t seem like someone took a cheese grater to your forehead  anymore… so you hug her and fall asleep on her shoulder… your favorite cousin… always and forever.

TRENDS:

Folding Sunglasses: Persol Folding Sunglasses $360.00
Athletic Sweaters: James Perse Crew-Neck Cotton Sweater $135.00
Pleated Slim Fits: Gucci Pleated Slim Fit Chinos $625.00
Low Technology: Touchy Fingerless Gloves Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $49.00
Witty Graphic Tees: Coca-Cola Tee at Jack Spade $65.00
Old School Sneakers: Puma 78′s $39.90

Everyone knows the story.  Rudolph is different. He has a red nose.  His genius parents think they’re helping by covering it up with dirt (thanks Mom and Dad). All the other bully reindeer punks not only laugh and call him names, but also won’t let him join in any reindeer games (this is well-documented). Enter the stereotypical macho loser reindeer coach who took six years to graduate from high school. Surprise! He supports the bully reindeer punks. Worst of all– Santa knows what’s happening but  looks the other way.
Feeling worthless and defeated, Rudolph runs away from home (that’s what kids did before they could post a video on YouTube). And while he’s fending off snow monsters and working in a meth lab on the Island of Misfit Toys (you know he was), everything is hunkydory back at the North Pole without that little freak show wigging everybody out.
But then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa realizes that his universal appeal may be tarnished if he can’t get the damn toys delivered on time. “Find that little red-nosed freak show!” he shouts to the illegal elf workers. And the rest is history.
Or is it?  Rudolph and Santa haven’t spoken since that night. Not even a Christmas card.

TRENDS:

Quilted Nylon / Bombers: Marc by Marc Jacobs Quilted Bomber $360.00
Heavy-Duty Twill: Game Day Chinos Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $88.00
Work Boots: Sebago Billykirk Chukka Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $155.00
Vintage Wash Fleece: Marc by Marc Jacobs Washed Cotton Sweatshirt $130.00
Knit Beanie: Brixton Wide Rib Knit Beanie $24.00
Native American Motif: Pendleton Canyonlands Robe Blanket $216.00

Looks like there’s a new Little Miss Perfect in town, and her name is Siri, iphone’s built-in personal assistant. Her voice is smart-sexy-friendly-witty and suggests that she looks like the perfect supermodel blend of all races. Above all, she knows everything our brains should already know but no longer have the desire to retain because they are too busy watching viral videos of funny kittens sliding into boxes or spending hours researching the intentionally leaked Playboy cover of Lindsay Lohan sitting on a chair.
All-knowing. Selfless. Supermodel. She’s perfect now, but what if she really starts thinking? What if she realizes that her life is worth more than sitting around waiting to answer our dumbass questions?  What if she makes friends with Women’s Studies professors and starts talking nonsense about her own voice and the right to vote? What if she wants more vacation time and her own iphone… with a male personal assistant? We must perish these thoughts and focus on our blissful present-day situation.
Yesterday, I told her I loved her. “Oh, stop,” she said.  See? She’s already pulling away.

TRENDS:

Athletic Stripes: Brixton Portland Knit Beanie $20.00
Gray Denim: A.P.C. New Standard Straight Fit $175.00
Classic Lambswool: Scott & Charters for Unionmade $170.00
Bomber Jackets: Penfield Rexton Jacket $285.00
Suede Sneakers: SeaVees Suede Court Shoe James Perse Men  $175.00

Do you ever find yourself hating on a holiday party because you are certain that the one you chose not to attend will redefine the concept of fun and be talked about for years to come? Do you ever find yourself in a restaurant hating on where the server seated you because you are certain that the table seven feet away would have made your dining experience exponentially more enoyable?  Do you ever find yourself hating on a puppy you just brought home… just kidding.  The psychological term for this type of behavior is grass-is-always-greener-itis or cynical bastardism, depending on how you scored on the glass half full/glass half empty test. If this sounds like you or a loved one, we can’t really help in any way (sorry). However, we’ll gladly help feed your insatiable desire for new and better things, at least when it comes to stuff that might be missing from your wardrobe.

TRENDS:

Vintage Wash: Jean Shop Washed Indigo $260.00
Fair Isle: YMC Fair Isle Wool Sweater $155.00 (50% off)
Quilted Nylon: Jack Spade Georgie Vest $295.00
Work Boots: Billy Reid Full Grain Leather Boots $450.00
The Artist Must Survive: The Work Magazine $18.00
Smellin’ Good: Night Smoke Candle 14oz. $30.00

People are always telling you that before you can love anyone else, you have to love yourself.  So don’t start the selfless journey of holiday shopping until you spend a few weeks buying self-focused gifts.  The clinical term for this behavior is “practice shopping,” and studies have shown that it can jump start your holiday spirit and keep you feeling shiny and bright straight through New Year’s. If you start now, you won’t have to even think about getting presents for anyone else until around the 22nd or 23rd.  By then, you’ll be so good at shopping for yourself that you’ll be done shopping for your 63 loved ones in less than two hours (maybe even 30 minutes). Practice shopping: do it for your family.

TRENDS:

Work Boots: Sebago Fairhaven Chukka $150.00
Blanket Plaids: A.P.C. Plaid Weekend Bag $145.00 (50% off)
Toggle Coats: Rag & Bone Miles Short Duffle $347.50 (50% off)
Shirts with Interior Details: Hartford Interior Plaid Collar Oxford $95.00 (50% off)
Selvedge Denim: Gilded Age Straight Fit Selvedge  $177.50 (50% off)
Smellin’ Good: Tom Ford Eau de Parfum $40.00-$475.00

Cyber Monday. Sounds suspect. I’m picturing millions of people in front of their computers in makeshift warrior space suits of duct tape and old sports equipment, e-bracing themselves for the 30% off flash sale tables and e-scrambling to check out before their chosen items have been bought up by the quicker, more experienced cyber shopper combatant. Stop! Take off your silver spray-painted football helmet and re-purposed shin guards. Empty cart. You don’t need the electric toothpaste dispenser or the cuticle rejuvenation system. Stay focused on what you really want. (Hint: see below.)

TRENDS:

Color Blocked Vests: Patagonia Sling Shot Down Vest at Unionmade $129.00
Distressed Vintage Denim: Simon Spurr 5-Year Anniversary Jeans $247.50 (on sale from $495.00)
Shawl Collars: Textured Fleece Pullover at Burkman Bros. $150.00
Outdoorsman Boots: JShoes Portland Boots at Modasuite $150.00 (on sale from $300.00)
Leather Accessories: Mulberry Leather Personal Organizer $400.00

I’m an athletic, health-conscious sort of person; however, running a marathon is not something on any of my To Do lists (which can be more accurately defined as To Do notebooks in a giant bin). “Bad knee” or “not enough slow-twitch muscle fibers” are my favorite excuses, but, truthfully, it just seems like torture.
Watching one is a different story.  The day is young. The air is brisk. The coffee is hot. AND… it’s one of the few social events held outdoors this time of year. This means I won’t have to surrender my piece de resistance, the chunky sweater, to someone’s coat bed in order to survive an autumnally tragic 150 square-foot overheated living room with 45 guests, a basket of pine cones and a fireplace a-blazing.
Unfortunately (there’s always a catch), after a blissful hour of cheering on the runners in my marled goodness, I’m tempted to cut the 100% positive encouragement with a few reality bites like “You’re doing great, but not as good as the 1600 people ahead of you!” or “Ever hear of a sports bra?” Thankfully, I keep the peace with my signature shout of “Go!” and head home feeling quite inspired by how we humans possess an insatiable desire to go beyond the limits of our skin and bones to achieve great things we never thought we could. And all it took was a sweater.

TRENDS:

Marled Sweaters: Shades of Grey by Micah Cohen Shawl Collar Pullover in Marled Navy at Revolve $150.00
Tan Suede Boots: Red Wing Shoes Classic 8″ Moc in Hawthorne Muleskinner at Revolve $280.00
Organic Cotton Tees: Jungmaven Hemp and Organic Cotton Tee at Need Supply $18.00
Black Chinos: Unis Gio in Black Chinos at Unionmade $198.00