Excellent Joe

We don’t follow Harry Potter- it’s a children’s fantasy series for God’s sake! How could a story about young witches and wizards attending a boarding school hold our attention for more than ten minutes let alone ten years? We don’t follow it.

But if we did, we might delay our trip to the beach to see the final saga at the theater… and work on our miniature Harry Potter village in the basement… and search for authentic magic wands on Etsy… and add glitter to our Hermione collage over the couch. If we eventually made it to the coast, we’d wear bold stripes to remind us of Hogwarts. Long live Hogwarts!

Can’t let go. Give it time.

TRENDS:

Vintage Check Shirts:  Steven Alan Single Needle $168.00
White Shorts:  Sid Mashburn Sanded Canvas $125.00
Bold Stripes: Katin+Apolis Swim Trunk at Need Supply $128.00
Braided Uppers: Bonobos Braided Upper Flip Flop $55.00

Whether by friendly coercion or by your own volition, we know you will be attending many  a street-fair-palooza-fest-concert-parades this season. You may find yourself bloated on funnel cakes holding a newly purchased ficus tree and a 12-pack of tube socks. You may find yourself day-drunk on anonymous beer and getting your face painted like a tiger. You may find yourself fighting a crowd of sweaty strangers for free candy from the dirty clown walking alongside a flatbed float (you’ve always been competitive). Snap out of it! This is neither the time nor the place to make the most out of a bad situation.  Stay the spectator. Don’t be the spectacle. These venues are for pointing fingers and cringing at other people. Think classic and cool as you meander through the muck with a no-fail summer uniform that will still get you noticed, but for all the right reasons.

TRENDS:

Anorak Pullovers: Mt. Rainier Reversible Camo Anorak at Saturdays $375.00
Vintage Tees: Levi’s 1930′s Bay Meadow Tee at Saturdays $75.00
Chino Shorts: Tommy Chino Short at Saturdays $88.00
Skip-Ons: Rainbow Leather Sandal at Need Supply $52.00
Flat Tops: Flat Top Deep Black by Super at Need Supply $132.00

We’re going on vacation. To the Beach. My two brothers and I are packed neatly in the back seat of a wood-paneled station wagon. We’re waving behind the glare of the rear window. My mom must be taking the picture for a change because it’s a rare shot of just him in front of the car. He’s 15 years younger than I am now and is unknowingly wearing the most amazing madras shirt.
My dad, the unsung hero. The one who could end all backseat bickering with one swift swoop of The Arm. The one who let me bury him alive in the sand on an hourly basis. The one who bought me a Rocket Pop and told the guy in the truck to hold the mustard. The one who let me poke the jellyfish with a stick. The one who talked me off the ledge when I cut my toe on the gutter. The one who put me on his shoulders until we were past the breaking waves. The one who probably doesn’t think I remember all the little things he did that shaped me. But I do. Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

TRENDS:

Saturated Vintage Plaids: Gant Rugger Handloom Madras Pullover $135.00
Vintage Beach Graphics: Quality Peoples The Waves Tee at Need Supply $55.00
Cut-Offs: Gant by Michael Bastian Gab Shorts $175.00
Duffles: Gant Nautical Weekend Bag $250.00
Slip-Ons: Rainbow Hemp Sandal at Need Supply $38.00
Low Tech: iPhone 4 Walnut Paneling by Recover at Need Supply $25.00

Bananas! They build a strong case for sitting back and letting the world find a place for you.

• Gwen Stefani uses them to exert her lyrical prowess.
• Clowns maintain their trite, irrelevant brand of humor by repeatedly slipping on them.
• Feminists hold demonstrations in protest of their symbolism.
• Mary Ann has her way with Gilligan by baking them into cream pies.
• Americans use them to describe the hammocks that hold the genitalia of hairy European men slathered in sunblock.

The list goes on. Never before has a common fruit tapped into our collective psyche and turned it on its head.  Now you can work them into your own personal history by having them magically appear in your groin area whenever they get wet.  Now that sh*t is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

TRENDS

Subtle Vintage Plaids: BONOBOS 7″ Cotton Tan and Navy Plaid Short $75.00
Neon Pops: Steven Alan Neon Yellow Reverse Seam Inside Pocket $168.00
Canvas Slip-Ons: Seavees Contrast Linen & Nubuck at James Perse $165.00
Grey Heather Tees: Apolis Standard Issue Vintage Crew Neck T-Shirt $58.00
Disappearing Banana Tricks: BONOBOS Magic Print Grey Bananas Board Short $75.00

Say the world DOES end tomorrow. You know God will have an AWESOME pool, so let’s think this through. Billions of people since the beginning of time will be clamoring for a dozen or so prime cabana spots; it’s going to be absolute Hell. Everyone will be on an all-time holier-than-thou high, and you will be competing with Nobel Peace Prize winners, Osama killers, and one sassy, demon-free Lindsay Lohan. Don’t get discouraged! You’re the underdog, and God historically LOVES underdogs (i.e. His Son).

Here’s what you do:

1) When the pearly gates open, make a mad dash for the pool area while everyone else is busy kissing God’s ass (He sees right through that stuff anyway). 2) Wear something that screams country club, like it’s your God-given right to be there. 3) Slip the pool angel a Benjamin and watch the best cabanas miraculously become available. 4) Order the mandatory two bottles of Cristal, settle into your chaise, and admire your newly perfect body. 5) Have the front desk bring you all the pets you’ve ever owned… and a cheeseburger. Aah, Heaven.

TRENDS

Contrast Placket Polos: BONOBOS 100% Pima Cotton Interlock Helmsman Polo $65.00

Roll Cuff Shorts: Steven Alan for Dockers $89.00 ON SALE

Shorter Length Swim: BONOBOS Shortboards Khaki Swim Trunk $65.00

Canvas Sneakers: Nike Sweet Legacy $65.00

Duffle Bags: Jack Spade Rocket Duffle at BONOBOS $325

Relatively speaking (and no pun intended), moms don’t ask for much.  At the end of the day, they want to go to sleep knowing you’re happy and that you haven’t killed anyone.  And although they’ll welcome any gift, big or small, they just really want some of your time… and for you to get a haircut… and wear a tie for a change… and to stay longer than two hours (“You just got here!”).  It’s their day on Sunday; let’s rise to the occasion.

TRENDS

Knit Ties: Gitman For Bonobos Necktie $95.00

Trenchcoats: Swims Khaki Oslo Trenchcoat at Bonobos $365.00

Oxford Shirts: Bonobos Light Blue Spring Weight Oxford $88.00

Navy V-Neck Sweaters: A.P.C. Cotton V-Neck at Mr. Porter $180.00

Saddle Shoes: Mark McNairy New Amsterdam Suede Saddle Shoe at Bonobos $352.00

Vintage Wash Denim: Levi’s Vintage Clothing 1967 505′s at Mr. Porter $235.00

Imagine allowing something to begin its life by incubating in your abdominal region. After nine months, you squeeze this thing out of your body through an opening the size of a quarter and devote the rest of your life to making sure it has the best possible opportunity to be happy and succeed in the world. You’ve sacrificed a lot of yourself to become someone else’s short-order cook, cleaning person, personal chauffeur, private tutor, and (most cherished) walking ATM machine.  The art of motherhood! Men will never quite understand it; so maybe we should do a little less talking and a little more listening.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER

Wear Clean Underwear: Sunspel Classic White Cotton Boxers at Mr. Porter $37.00

Look Presentable: Spring Ties at Bonobos $88.00-$95.00

Be On Time: Bertucci Field Watches at Bonobos $90.00-$100.00

Mind Your Manners: HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN BY JOHN BRIDGES at Mr. Porter $28.00

Stay Awhile: Levi’s Made & Crafted Canvas Hold-All at Mr. Porter $435.00

What do you wear to a royal wedding to which you were not invited?  Great question. Since you will be attending via your couch and television, shorts and a tee-shirt are required, and eating cookies during the ceremony is customary… as is beer. You’ll probably only need about ten minutes on any channel to learn all you need to know about this glorious day of pomp and circumstance. Unfortunately, what you might like to see will not be televised.  No Prince William crapping his royal pants the night before. No royal bridezilla bitching about the horrendous lighting in Westminster Abbey. No close-ups of guests spitting the royal chicken cordon bleu into their napkins. No royal shots of Jagermeister. No royal dirty dancing with relatives. On second thought, just stay home.

TRENDS

Hybrid Sneaker Shoes: Tretorn Smogensson Suede Ebony at Bonobos $85.00

Hiking Shorts: Burkman Brothers One-Patch Pocket at Odin $175.00

Vintage Surf Graphics: Homage Surf Lake Erie $28.00

Cookies: Handmade by Downtown Cookie Co. (price varies)

Oh what to wear this weekend! Do we celebrate the recurring tradition of lying to children about strange creatures who leave treats under the cover of darkness? Do we honor our parents for making us participate in their warped little fertility ritual of finding brightly colored eggs they’ve hidden around the yard and house? Do we go full-on secular by paying homage to the most miserably wet region of the country with hopes that the rain gods will have mercy on us? Let’s try all of the above: think halfway out of your church clothes, mouthful of candy and staring at that one perfectly aqua-blue egg you made among the pile of overly ambitious color-mixing attempts that all went to various levels of brown and gray. NOTE: For all readers whose parents deprived them of such childhood deceptions, thanks for listening.

TRENDS

Bright Chinos: BONOBOS Aqua Bootcut Washed Chinos $88.00

Nylon Shells: Spiewak Navy Cypress Jacket at Bonobos $119.00

Bucks: Common Projects Suede Shoe at Odin $445.00

Vintage Sports Tees: Homage Script Ohio $28.00

“I was born this way!” For the record, Pony claims to know two other tricks but feels that exploiting more than one might tarnish his reputation as an expert in his field. “I don’t want to confuse my fan base. I’m a creature of habit, and I’m fine with that. Most of my friends are all over the map; I like to keep things simple. With me, people know what they’re getting.” When he’s not performing his trick, Pony enjoys watching Real Housewives of New York City and playing Angry Birds.

TRENDS

White Oxfords: Bonobos All-Rounder Spring Weight Oxford $88.00

Tote Bags: Jack Spade Cargo Carry-On at Bonobos $450.00

Bluchers: Yuketen Blucher with Kiltie at Need Supply $287.00

Hiking Shorts: Woolrich Woolen Mills Chambray Bush Short at Odin $175.00

The true essence of something is best revealed by juxtaposing it against its contrast.  For instance, red never looks more red than when placed next to green, its arch nemesis on the color wheel. As you get closer to the truth behind red, you see it is something that can also be heard, tasted, and felt. Ah-ha! The more you understand something, the harder it gets to define it. Deep. Now take a staunch-almost-stodgy pair of seersucker shorts and throw them with an eighties surf stoner graphic tee and a book bag that looks like it was handmade in Paris. Suddenly, the you feel so unexpectedly fresh… and American… and trés preppy but in a way that’s harder to define than any cliché Hollywood interpretation that would surely have you getting your ass kicked before the credits roll. The complex system of synapses that defines you deserves more respect. After all, you’re not just a trust fund and a few yacht club memberships; you also smoke pot and eat croissants on occasion.

TRENDS

Seersucker Shorts: BONOBOS Grey and White Seersucker Shorts $85.00

Hybrid Sneaker Shoes: Generic Surplus Plimsol Shoe at Bonobos $66.00

Leather Briefcases: Billykirk Schoolboy Satchel $355.00

Vintage Surf Graphics: Lightning Bolt Graphic Tee $28.00