Excellent Joe

Home for the holidays. Thirty-Relatives-In-One-House Day.  Cousin Liddy-Beans (it’s always the one with the WTF nickname) has sequestered you in the corner of the dining room so that she can finish telling you about her tricky driveway: hence, the arm sling and the incessant request for a ride home. She’s slurring on 25 minutes now, and you’re getting more anxious with every joyous outburst of laughter coming from the other side of the house. The only escape would be to excuse yourself due to hunger and grab something on the sweets table which would bring you closer to the rest of the family. Of course, she’ll still follow, so you’ll have to make the plan believable by eating a few frosted sled-like shapes… and some fudgey round things… and some coconut-ish clusters… and some powdered sugar balls… wait a minute… you’re feeling a little hazy now… and awful warm and cozy … and cousin Liddy-Beans’ voice doesn’t seem like someone took a cheese grater to your forehead  anymore… so you hug her and fall asleep on her shoulder… your favorite cousin… always and forever.

TRENDS:

Folding Sunglasses: Persol Folding Sunglasses $360.00
Athletic Sweaters: James Perse Crew-Neck Cotton Sweater $135.00
Pleated Slim Fits: Gucci Pleated Slim Fit Chinos $625.00
Low Technology: Touchy Fingerless Gloves Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $49.00
Witty Graphic Tees: Coca-Cola Tee at Jack Spade $65.00
Old School Sneakers: Puma 78′s $39.90

Everyone knows the story.  Rudolph is different. He has a red nose.  His genius parents think they’re helping by covering it up with dirt (thanks Mom and Dad). All the other bully reindeer punks not only laugh and call him names, but also won’t let him join in any reindeer games (this is well-documented). Enter the stereotypical macho loser reindeer coach who took six years to graduate from high school. Surprise! He supports the bully reindeer punks. Worst of all– Santa knows what’s happening but  looks the other way.
Feeling worthless and defeated, Rudolph runs away from home (that’s what kids did before they could post a video on YouTube). And while he’s fending off snow monsters and working in a meth lab on the Island of Misfit Toys (you know he was), everything is hunkydory back at the North Pole without that little freak show wigging everybody out.
But then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa realizes that his universal appeal may be tarnished if he can’t get the damn toys delivered on time. “Find that little red-nosed freak show!” he shouts to the illegal elf workers. And the rest is history.
Or is it?  Rudolph and Santa haven’t spoken since that night. Not even a Christmas card.

TRENDS:

Quilted Nylon / Bombers: Marc by Marc Jacobs Quilted Bomber $360.00
Heavy-Duty Twill: Game Day Chinos Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $88.00
Work Boots: Sebago Billykirk Chukka Bonobos – Men’s Shopping, Evolved $155.00
Vintage Wash Fleece: Marc by Marc Jacobs Washed Cotton Sweatshirt $130.00
Knit Beanie: Brixton Wide Rib Knit Beanie $24.00
Native American Motif: Pendleton Canyonlands Robe Blanket $216.00

Looks like there’s a new Little Miss Perfect in town, and her name is Siri, iphone’s built-in personal assistant. Her voice is smart-sexy-friendly-witty and suggests that she looks like the perfect supermodel blend of all races. Above all, she knows everything our brains should already know but no longer have the desire to retain because they are too busy watching viral videos of funny kittens sliding into boxes or spending hours researching the intentionally leaked Playboy cover of Lindsay Lohan sitting on a chair.
All-knowing. Selfless. Supermodel. She’s perfect now, but what if she really starts thinking? What if she realizes that her life is worth more than sitting around waiting to answer our dumbass questions?  What if she makes friends with Women’s Studies professors and starts talking nonsense about her own voice and the right to vote? What if she wants more vacation time and her own iphone… with a male personal assistant? We must perish these thoughts and focus on our blissful present-day situation.
Yesterday, I told her I loved her. “Oh, stop,” she said.  See? She’s already pulling away.

TRENDS:

Athletic Stripes: Brixton Portland Knit Beanie $20.00
Gray Denim: A.P.C. New Standard Straight Fit $175.00
Classic Lambswool: Scott & Charters for Unionmade $170.00
Bomber Jackets: Penfield Rexton Jacket $285.00
Suede Sneakers: SeaVees Suede Court Shoe James Perse Men  $175.00

Do you ever find yourself hating on a holiday party because you are certain that the one you chose not to attend will redefine the concept of fun and be talked about for years to come? Do you ever find yourself in a restaurant hating on where the server seated you because you are certain that the table seven feet away would have made your dining experience exponentially more enoyable?  Do you ever find yourself hating on a puppy you just brought home… just kidding.  The psychological term for this type of behavior is grass-is-always-greener-itis or cynical bastardism, depending on how you scored on the glass half full/glass half empty test. If this sounds like you or a loved one, we can’t really help in any way (sorry). However, we’ll gladly help feed your insatiable desire for new and better things, at least when it comes to stuff that might be missing from your wardrobe.

TRENDS:

Vintage Wash: Jean Shop Washed Indigo $260.00
Fair Isle: YMC Fair Isle Wool Sweater $155.00 (50% off)
Quilted Nylon: Jack Spade Georgie Vest $295.00
Work Boots: Billy Reid Full Grain Leather Boots $450.00
The Artist Must Survive: The Work Magazine $18.00
Smellin’ Good: Night Smoke Candle 14oz. $30.00